Dear World,
Please take note of the following facts about asexual and aromantic people.
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Asexuality is an orientation based on the lack of sexual attraction to other humans beings.
This means asexual people never look at other human beings and experience an arousal response or a desire to have sex with them.
That is all it means.
Some asexual people still have a sex drive and some don’t.
Some asexual people masturbate and some don’t.
What do we think of when we masturbate? Usually nothing. A lot of us use pornographic material to become physically aroused when we feel the urge to masturbate.
Why would we masturbate when we’re asexual? Because being asexual means we don’t experience sexual attraction, not that we have no sex drive. Those of us who have a sex drive lack any connection of that drive to attraction. But we still gotta take care of our physical need for sexual release.
Asexual men exist.
Asexual people have romantic orientations. We can be hetero-, homo-, bi-, pan-, or aromantic. This means some of us can feel romantic feelings, just like sexual people, but some of us are aromantic and don’t feel romantic feelings for anyone.
Romantic asexuals want romantic relationships. They feel romantic love. They want companionship. They just don’t want the sex.
Aromantic people—whether sexual or asexual—still have emotions and a desire to connect to others. They value relationships. They want and need and enjoy friendship and family. Many of them want to have a life partner or partners. They just don’t feel romantic love or attraction. Romantic love is not the only form of love that exists. Therefore, aromantic people still love.
Some sexual people are aromantic too.
Being aromantic doesn’t make you a sociopath, anti-social, heartless, misanthropic, or cool with being forever alone.
Being aromantic does not solve all your problems.
Being asexual does not solve all your problems.
Some asexual people have sex. Some don’t.
Some asexual people feel neutral about participating in sex. Some feel repulsed by the idea.
Asexual people who have sex make that choice for any number of reasons: they’re curious, they’re romantically involved with someone sexual, or maybe they like it.
Asexual people can like sex for what it is: a physically pleasurable activity. Our bodies are usually fully functional. We can get aroused in the right circumstances. We can orgasm. What we lack is the attraction to people, which motivates you to actively seek out sexual partners.
Asexuality is not celibacy or abstinence. If you choose not to have sex because of religious reasons, personal reasons, health reasons, or whatever, but you still experience sexual attraction to others, you are celibate. You cannot choose to be asexual. Asexuality is an orientation. You are or you aren’t.
Being asexual is not the equivalent of never dating anyone.
Many asexuals and aromantics like nongenital physical affection. We like hugs, we like cuddles, we like holding hands, we like back rubs, we like kisses to varying degrees, etc.
Some don’t.
Just in case you’ve already forgotten: asexual men exist.
Some asexuals are polyamorous. Some are monogamous. Some don’t give a shit and just do their relationships however the hell they want.
Some asexuals are willing to date sexual people and let their sexual partners have sex outside the relationship. Some asexuals are not okay with this. If you want to know about a particular asexual’s feelings on the matter, ask.
Some asexuals like snogging. Some really, really don’t. Yes, there are romantic asexuals who don’t like kissing with tongue; they’re still romantic. If you want to know about a particular asexual’s feelings on this matter, ask.
Some asexuals have a history of sexual abuse. They can still be legitimately asexual.
Some asexuals struggle with mental illness, physical disability, mental disability, or disease. They can still be legitimately asexual.
And even if someone identifying as asexual is only circumstantially asexual based on one of the aforementioned conditions, they still have the right to use the identity if it suits them, as long as it suits them. It is not your business WHY they are what they are or why they’re using this particular identity.
Some people in the asexual community are demisexual. This means they experience only secondary sexual attraction, as a result of romantic or emotional connection with a particular individual or individuals. They never feel sexual desire for strangers, celebrities, or people they don’t know well/aren’t comfortable around/etc. This is the way they are and have always been and always will be.
Some people in the asexual community are grey-asexuals. They’re somewhere in between totally asexual and totally sexual.
For the most part, the asexual community does not care about other people’s sex lives. As long as we aren’t involved, your sex life doesn’t matter to us.
Asexuals can still find people aesthetically attractive. Just because we find someone pleasing to our eye does not mean we want that person touching our genitals. Just because we don’t want anyone touching our gentitals does not mean we’re blind.
You cannot cure us with sex. It doesn’t matter how good you are at sex. It doesn’t matter how good you are as a person. It doesn’t matter how much you love us. It doesn’t matter how much we love you. It doesn’t matter if we enjoy sex. It doesn’t matter if we orgasm when we have sex. It doesn’t matter if we consent to it. We are asexual. We do not experience sexual attraction to anybody, and there is nothing you can do about it. Period.
Asexuality is not about the sexual act. It is about sexual attraction.
You cannot cure aromantic people by attempting to romance them or trying to persuade them that romance is the pinnacle of human experience. First of all, it’s not. Second of all, aromantic people were born the way they are. You can’t choose to be aromantic. Aromantic people can’t choose to feel romantic attraction. It is what it is.
Mixed orientation sexuals exist. These are people whose romantic and sexual orientations differ from each other. There is nothing wrong or weird about this. All it means is you have an extra complexity in your romantic/sexual/emotional life.
Those of us who are asexual or aromantic are not looking to be fixed. We aren’t broken. We’re different. We don’t need your pity. We don’t need you to show us the light. We need you to respect us or get the fuck out.
And one more time: asexual men exist.
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Thanks for your attention.
